Yesterday my restless heart was awakened not because I heard a wee small voice calling me from the other room. Nor because I was feeling sick. Nor because something catastrophic happened. Plain and simple it was because the Lord called upon it. He awakened me from my slumber and I hesitantly arose. Little did I know, more would be awakened that morning then my exhausted mind and body.
The moment I was fully awake I had thought after thought, darting at me. Lies and more lies and I was falling for them. It didn’t take long before I felt fear, worry, exhaustion… Just feeling incapable of this thing called mothering. The words that were filling my mind were deafening. I was overwhelmed with concern for my boys and the tumultuous task of raising little men who seek after God and fight for truth, justice and kindness. Men who have purpose and move forward in the strength of the Lord and not their own wisdom. Men who respect and honor women and who stand up for the weak.
I don’t just have just have one boy, I have three. Three boys with completely different personalities, strengths and weaknesses. God you could have made it easier on me and given me three boys with at least similar personalities, so I could just use the same strategies on all three. No, but you had to go make it hard on me.
I laid there paralyzed.
But my sweet Father came to rescue me from my thoughts but not only that He wooed me into His presence and whispered truth to my overwhelmed heart. Truth that always sets me free. In moments, like these I wonder why do I stray so faraway from Him to the point that His truth becomes faint echoes.
Oh, how my mama heart longed to hear His truth. His words were like balm on old wound that keeps opening up over and over again. He wooed me into His presence and said “Come, sweet Mari. I know your mama heart is overwhelmed. I have words of healing to share with you. I need you to hold them close to your heart. I want you to remember these things and speak them to yourself and to your boys. I want you to believe them and count them true!. ”
Sweet mamas, deep down in your heart know this truth, hold on to this truth like your life depends on it–You are not alone. He will go before us sweet mamas. He will not leave us. His word says He sends angels before us. The Holy Spirit will guide us. He is our refuge in the storm. He will not forsake us. We are not alone!
So I arose and went away up the lush green mountain and got lost in the words and whispers of His truth as I meditated on praise music and prayed.
But the attacks kept coming and filling my mind. Even in the midst of His beauty and truth once again my heart started to follow the well trodden path of lies, and so I became overwhelmed with the looming thoughts of, “What if…”
He rescues me once again. Then over my headphones I hear Him say,
If your heart is overwhelmed and you cannot hear His voice, hold onto what is
true, though you can not see. If the storms of life they come and the road gets steep
lift these hands in faith. I will believe.!
Oh, isn’t our heavenly Father ever so sweet, to walk with us! Yes, Lord I want to believe, help my overwhelmed mama heart that at times finds solace in the lies.
But not today!
My tired mama soul took refuge in His truth. This time I wasn’t going to wander off and be led astray. I stayed. Since that day I have fallen in my weakness but then stood strong on the truth I heard that day on the green lush mountain, I have repeated this phrase over and over again, almost like my mantra. I’ve repeatedly sung this phrase to myself for each one of my boys.
Love came down and rescued me. Love came down and set me free. I am yours. I am yours. I am forever yours.
I hide these words in my heart for those moments when I carry worries and concerns which I don’t dare whisper for the fear that they may come true. Does anyone else do this or is it just me? He was reminding me that His love for my son is greater than mine. My son is His and in His hands is the best place my boys can be and on my knees is where I can do the best work.
As mothers these are the deep dark burdens that we bury in our soul and pray away but then it happens, and the day comes. They come hunting us down. It finds us when we’re at our weakest point. When you’re in a daze. Or when something great just happened because it can’t stand that we’re rejoicing in our motherhood. When there’s nothing left of you but brokenness. And so it awakens that restless mama heart of ours again.
And then He speaks into that darkness.
Did you get that? He speaks.
He spoke into the darkness of my thoughts right in the middle of the wild green grass that crawled up past my knees. The breeze spoke peace and opened up the dark corner I was about to paint myself in to and He ever so gently said,
Hold on to what is true though you can not see. Lift your hands in faith and believe.
Yes, I am very aware that Kari Jobe is not God but when I say He spoke to me and I quote her music it’s because God used her words to speak to me. He used the knee high grass swaying in the breeze to speak to me. He used the sun shining on that day after days of rain to speak to me. He spoke.
I let those words marinate in my soul and next thing I know, my hands shot up in the air and I danced in the lush green forest. I danced unabashedly before my precious Father.
Once again, He spoke. He wanted to make sure I understood, so He made it a bit more personal. It’s not just truth spoken it’s truth applied and practical. Have you ever seen a child pick at a scab? And wonder why do they do this. But how often do we do this? How often do we go back to that open wound from the past and open it up. That day His truth covered my broken scab of lies that I keep going back to and picking at.
He spoke and said,
Love came down and rescued your child Ethan. Yes, I came down to rescue Ethan. Love came down and rescued your child Aiden. Love came down and rescued your child Mateo.
Love came down to set him free.
He is forever mine. He is forever mine. Ethan is mine. He is forever mine. Aiden is mine. Mateo is mine.
My heart was immediately filled with strength and fear and the worry left me. I leapt, yes have you ever seen a grown woman leap in the middle of the mountain! Well, I hope no one was watching me but honestly at that moment I didn’t care because t was lost in my peace.
I fell to my knees and dove into the knee-high grass and the floodgates opened. There was no holding back those water-filled clouds, and they burst and the tears flowed endlessly. The sobbing came. I cried like a big fat baby. Seriously, I hope no one was watching.
These words, His words, were the truth that my tired mama soul longed to hear and to be reminded of.
Oh, sweet Jesus how I find rest in you. If only my heart would learn to–be still.
Tears flowed what seemed like forever and then I looked up to the fluffy white clouds above me and I smiled at Him. A smile that whispered back to Him: Speechless. At rest. Loved.
Oh my sweet tired mama friends who are reading this, you who haven’t slept in over a week. You who can’t remember when was the last time you had a warm relaxing bath. You who is concerned for you son who has no friends. You who runs in exhaustion after a toddler with a constant poopy diaper. Sweet worry-filled mama who is wondering if your teen is ever going to come back home. Wondering if your son will remember who He belongs to when He finds himself in the midst of temptation. Sweet mamas whose countless acts of service go unseen and unvalued.
I know your tired. Tired of being worried. Tired of being tired. Tired of being stressed. Tired of trying to get it all right. I know. I know. But most importantly–He. KNOWS. He. SEES.
He knows you’re tired. So, get up and go to Him! Ask Him to lead you, guide and give your strength.
Your faith is made stronger in His presence.
He makes you strong!
“The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator…neither faints nor is weary…He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31
He sees you!
He notices you.
He hears you.
His heart hurts for you.
He longs to speak to you.
And if you walk away with anything at all from this article, walk away with this–He is for you, not against you.
Now may the God of peace…,equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21
This is an excerpt from my journal in the winter of 2013. Though this happened years ago I keep having to come back to these truths and He ever so gently continues to woo me into His presence.