After experiencing some healing from trauma in my life I realized that certain people helped me feel calm and peace. Some of it came from the amazing way God made us and when I was in the presence of calm people, I was able to mirror their state of calm for myself. That’s what we call mirror neurons. You may have noticed that if you’re talking to someone and their hands our folded then you may find that your hands are also folded. That’s just our mirror neurons at work. There is also something else that happens called co-regulation that has been foundational in my healing journey that I want to share with you below.
I realized after several sessions with my counselor, that I had to lean into her calm and regulated nervous system to help calm me. I later thought about how there are so many parallels between coregulation with a safe caregiver and coregulating with Jesus. God helps soothe me and manage my distressing emotions. When I’m in a state of overwhelm, I lean into His calm to help regulate my nervous system that is offline at that moment. I used to do this well as a child when I talked with God. Though my attachment wounds taught me to take care of things myself and not trust many people, but my childlike faith helped me lean into God. Sadly, as an adult I started to lean less on God and became more reliant on myself. Thankfully, my childhood faith helped me remember that God is my refuge and strength.
Here’s an example of what co-regulating with God has looked like for me, I was feeling triggered about something my children said, so I went to my room to try to calm down. I laid down and started talking to God. I imagined His comforting arms wrapped around me. Then I started talking to Him about how hurtful their comments felt and that I was angry. As I lay there with tears streaming down and talking to Him, I started to feel my breathing to calm down. In that moment, God was co-regulating my nervous system.
What is co-regulation?
“Co-regulation refers to the process where one person’s emotional state or nervous system is helped to regulate by another person. It’s an important concept in attachment theory and neuroscience, especially when it comes to emotional support and connection.
In simpler terms, co-regulation is like when one person helps another calm down or feel more stable emotionally, simply by being present, offering empathy, or creating a sense of safety. This often happens when we feel supported or understood by someone else, which helps us return to a more balanced emotional state.” ~ Dr. Jake Porter
Many of us may never learned how to c0-regulate because our caregivers were not able to provide this for us. So, as adults when we experience difficult emotions, or situations we aren’t able to soothe or calm ourselves. But with practice we can learn to lean into Jesus to help us coregulate.
“The way the brain and body respond to another person’s calmness is powerful. When someone is regulated themselves, they can help you co-regulate. ” C0-regulation provides a sense of security and stability so whoever we are co-regulating with has to be a safe person in order for our nervous system to begin to calm down.
That is why it’s so important to dig into His word when our nervous system is calm. When we read His word and see His promises and testimonies of how he never leaves us we realize that He is deeply attuned to our cry and we are able to hide these promises in our heart. This helps remind our triggered nervous system that He is safe, that He is our refuge when we are dysregulated.
Safe People In Our Life
This information below reminds me the need for safe people in our life to help co-regulate us. Sometimes those people can be friends, neighbors, church folk, counselors, coaches, therapists…
“When someone with a regulated nervous system is present with someone who is dysregulated, their calm state can literally help shift the other person’s physiology.
This process happens through multiple channels. Mirror neurons fire in response to what we observe in others, creating internal experiences that match what we’re witnessing. Our autonomic nervous systems synchronize through shared breathing patterns, heart rate variability, and even subtle micro-expressions. These biological mechanisms explain why simply being in the presence of a calm, grounded person can feel so soothing when we’re distressed.
Research in polyvagal theory has shown that our vagus nerve, which governs our rest-and-digest response, can be activated through social connection and co-regulation. This activation helps shift us out of fight-or-flight or freeze states and into a state where healing, learning, and connection become possible.” ~Inner Heart Therapy
You know that verse in the Bible in James 5:16 it says, “Confess your sins to another and pray for one another so that you may be healed…” Though this verse specifically speaks of sin, one thing I walk away from is how powerful it is to bring our burdens to a safe person–so powerful that it provides healing. In the quote above, we see one way that healing manifests itself– talking to a safe and calm person about our burdens helps shift us out of fight or flight mode and into a state where healing and connection becomes possible.
God as an attachment figure
“Attachment theory talks about a secure base—someone you can return to when distressed. Many believers experience God this way when feeling overwhelmed or afraid.” Dr. Porter
Something to consider is if you grew up with views of God as a distant or harsh Father then it may take some time to be able to co-regulate with Jesus because it may actually initially keep you in a dysregulated state. If you do find yourself in this place, I encourage you to talk to someone safe to help you begin reshaping your experience and views of God into a safer attachment.
The beautiful thing about our brains is that we can create new pathways with new experiences. For example, at first someone who hurt you may feel unsafe, but then you talk things through, they consistently and safely show up, and you begin to replace those pathways with new safe experiences, all of this helps begin healing and allowing you to see this person through a different lens. In a similar way, we need to reshape our experiences and views about God into a safer attachment.
If you’d like you can book an appointment with me to explore how your attachment wounds maybe keeping you from trusting God and drawing close to Him.
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