This is a letter I’ve handwritten for my first born in honor of him becoming a young man. My Son, Don’t Ever Forget How Special You Are
He turned 12 today! I hope the words in this letter will give him courage when he’s afraid, guide him when he’s forgotten who he belongs to and serve as a reminder that he is fiercely loved. I also hope that it will serve as a snapshot reminder to me, of the amazing young man he’s become in the midst of the beautifully challenging path he is about to fully enter as a tween.
Dear Ethan,
Your story started off with a goodnight kiss and a prayer from your daddy wishing you’d come early. I jokingly said, “You’re going to pray him into this world.” To my surprise I awoke with strong contractions at the crack of dawn. We spent the day ever so gently encouraging you to join us. But after 20+ hours of labor pains I was pushing and basically coercing you out of my body, by walking up and down flight after flight of stairs, bouncing on balls, shuffling my body over a shawl… Oh we did everything in the book to bring you into this world safely and naturally.
I’ve overcome my fair share of challenges, but bringing you into this world was one of the most beautiful and miraculous things I have ever done.
I remember the beginning of you, your story like it was yesterday. I looked over at your daddy in the crowded hospital room filled with people that loved you; my sweet friend, your mema, the midwife, the doula, the nurse and eventually the doctor. I had been in pain for 20 hours with contractions that came every 2-3 minutes and my body was exhausted, but there were no signs that YOU were ready to leave the womb.
You have always done things in your own timing. You walk to the beat of your own drum. I love that about you.
I was lying on the bed trying to be the strong mama that you’re well acquainted with. The excruciating pains came–shooting up my back then to the front of my belly–
it broke my strength.
I didn’t have the energy to fight back. A puddle of water gathered at the edge of my weary eyes and ever so quietly slid down my cheeks. It was my silent battle cry, tears mingled with determination, exhaustion, love and joy.
I wasn’t the only one crying.
You once said you’ve never seen your daddy cry well he cried that day and many times after that. I’m confident you were the one who broke the “men don’t cry” belief of his. Though I’m pretty sure I had seen him cry a time or two at the movies–he claims it was sweat from the hot Carolina summer.
My weary body lay on the hospital bed filled with exhaustion but my determination was still intact.
The last 6 hours of labor were slow and drawn out. But then you came! The room was filled with bliss and triumph!
You Broke the Silence!
On March 22nd at the break of dawn you broke the silence with your life-giving cry. I held you close in my arms and my whole being literally couldn’t contain the ecstasy of the moment, the exhaustion, the delight and so my body did what it does best when I’m overwhelmed–I cried. Tears of joy flowed and laughter filled the room.
Your daddy glowed as he held you. He was partly in shock with disbelief–“Dang, we made this beautiful little being!” Once again his tears flowed but this time they were tears of pride and joy.
That morning in the midst of my exhaustion and delight God whispered into my soul,
“This child will give you a small glimpse of my unconditional love for you”.
Smitten
My eyes met with yours, they locked, and I was smitten. Little did I know, the extent and depths of my love for you would grow with each passing year! With each flower you would pick for me. With each kiss you would tenderly lay on my cheek. With each slimy booger you’d bring to me as a love offering.
Oh, how sweet and innocent were your baby noises. Your tender coos and beautiful smile were the secret to get me through those sleepless nights of feeding and nurturing you. The squeals and giggles from earlier that day echoed in my heart throughout the night. They were music to my ears and to my exhausted mama heart.
The memories I have carefully hidden in my heart and to this day, they still get me through the rough times and the growing pains of watching you go from baby, to toddler, to young boy and now to a young man.
You Are a Fighter
You my precious son are a fighter!
Please don’t mistaken what movies and the media tell you a man is, because they have it all wrong. A strong man is not a rough and tough person who doesn’t let anyone in and doesn’t show any emotion to those he loves.
No, my son, that image of a strong man is wrong. You want to know first hand what a fighter looks like? What a strong man looks like? Look at your daddy. It is from him where you’ve learned to be a fighter.
Always fight for what is right, what is true, even if it means fighting with yourself. That ferocity for what is good that God has given you, will serve you well, now and in your future. This persistence of yours will help you when all odds are against you. Be persistent my love, pursue those dreams of yours and those goals, despite, the challenges and setbacks.
Trust in Him and in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. {Proverbs 3:5} Then and only then–PURSUE.
You are Strong
I think back to all the things you have overcome since you were a baby. First it was–you weren’t going to live past the weekend. You weren’t going to walk right. Then it was–you weren’t going to talk right. Then it was…
You have worked hard and overcome so much. You have pushed through adversity and your resilience my brave little warrior–is astonishing. You have taught me not to give up even when everything inside you says to do so, you continue to push through the hard.
But let me tell you this resilience and determination didn’t come out of no where, it has been passed down to you from many generations of Tutens and Hernandez’. It’s in your blood, it’s your heritage, not just from one side of the family, but you got it from both. Yes, even your mama is a fighter.
But most importantly don’t EVER forget, it’s God in you!
Don’t Lose Your Kind and Compassionate Heart
My Ethan you are brilliant, kind and ingenious and dare I, use the word–beautiful. There’s not a single person who comes around you and is not drawn to your friendly and inviting spirit. Your compassionate heart feels out a room and it senses who is hurting and who needs a smile.
Then you do your magic, the beautiful magic God has blessed you with–you flash that smile that fills the downtrodden with love and the twinkle in your eye shines hope in the darkness.
Even the most slimiest creatures have been recipients of your compassion. I remember you so terribly upset because a slug was dying in our yard. My son this heart of yours is a gift God has given you. Use it to help others but also remind yourself when you are down that He loves you more than you can ever imagine.
You are Courageous
I love to watch your engineering and creative mind try to figure out how things works. You’re a builder, architect, animal lover, music fanatic and just plain silly. In the same way that you create and build, God is knitting you and ever so carefully building you into a strong tower for His glory. Those fears that haunt you, are what make you brave and courageous!
So when fear comes knocking at your door, look at it straight in the eye and say with audacity the words of truth we’ve taught you since you were 3 years old. Say them even in the midst of fear.
“I am strong and courageous. I will not be afraid or discouraged because God is with me. I will not be afraid!” Joshua 1:9
It was just yesterday
On this birthday morning of yours I looked into your eyes and studied your countenance. You walked over to my side of the bed to kiss me as you always do. I could still see the fun-loving, chubby cheek toddler who always needed to come snuggle in bed with us in order to start his day off right.
It was still there, hiding in that long and strong body that is almost towering over me. I pray you never lose that loving spirit about you. You are a gift. A gift to us and to the world.
My heart was frozen with emotion both bitter and sweet as I looked up at the frame of the boy becoming a man right before my eyes. I have many regrets as a first time mom. I should have held you more. I should’ve given you more tummy time even though you hated it. I should’ve… But I also have many memories of giggles and kisses.
Today.
Today, you are twelve and tomorrow you’ll be 20, just like that.
I’m not ready for only 8 more years with you.
Only a few more years of ever so gently guiding you and when needed poking and prodding to you rise up to the challenge. Soon you will walk out our front door with suitcases, big dreams and larger-than-life goals in hand and from my arms you’ll wiggle your way out, into the fierce world. I don’ know if I’ll ever be ready for this day.
You Are Loved Just as You Are
My Ethan, remember this now, next month and in 20 years–you are loved just as you are.
I want you to walk out our front door knowing, that you are loved unconditionally.
Yes, you my Ethan, you are capable, because Jesus makes you able. Time after time I have challenged you to rise up to the occasion because I know from the depths of my mama heart that you can do it.
There will be times that you will believe the lies, the voices that say you are not enough, so it’s my job to remind you and encourage you to rise up to the challenge.
Through Him and in Him you can do great things for His glory.
You are deeply and wholly loved by us. You are a warrior, a giver, a lover, a fighter and most of all you are His.
I leave you with these words of truth, my sweet precious boy! May you remember them in the light and in the darkness.
Ethan my prayer is that you’ll take in and comprehend the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love.
Reach out and experience the vastness!
Test its length!
Plum the depths!
Rise to the heights!
Live a full life, full in the fullness of Christ love for you.*
Happy Birthday! Feliz Cumple my precious gift from God!
Love you!
~Mom
*Ephesians 3:18 reworded from J. B. Phillips New Testament